I am one of those who takes some time to reflect on the year that is coming to an end, and while I always do my best to focus on the positives, this year I choose to be real. Honest. Because that was the basis of 2018 for me. I will keep the achievements and the positives to myself, as they are part of my inner process, but there are a couple of things I do want to share and address.
And, again, this is going to be honest. Very honest.
The first half of the year was tough because the industry I chose as my professional home went into airplane mode and even crashed a bit, and with it my bank account. This forced me to take a turn, but more on that later. The real storm came in the second half of the year.
A series of events in my personal life put my world upside down, and I’ve never cried as much as I did back then. The last six months of 2018 have been a roller coaster in many ways, and the stability I once had (also in many aspects) was deeply affected by this.
As dark as life can get sometimes, we can always take something positive from it. The so-called “silver lining”. In my case, my silver lining was learning who I can count on and who is out. I can’t stress enough the importance of a support circle, whether it’s your family, your chosen family, your friends, your co-workers, etc. People you can rely on. People you can call and vent, and cry, and scream. People that will hold you for as long as you need, no questions asked.
This was a process, one that made me realize who is in my life because they care, and who is just passing by, who has an “expiration date” (more on that later), and who is there for fun and not for when things get real. This opened my eyes to a painful reality: someone I considered very close no longer cared about me, while I still cared. And I care a lot (I’m a Libra sun, Scorpio moon, if you’re into that). But it was also very liberating letting this person go.
Speaking of letting people go, that’s something I did even before the life changing events. I cut ties with a lot of people, both relevant and irrelevant. I learned that if it makes you anxious, scared, or it just doesn’t feel right, you have to get rid of it. You shouldn’t carry with someone else’s emotional baggage and no one should carry yours either.
Nothing is ever worth sacrificing your mental and emotional health. Nothing. And most of these relationships were only giving me bad anxiety, and making me feel like the scum of the earth (disclaimer: that wasn’t their intention. Life works in mysterious ways).
People come and go and that’s a fact, and some have an “expiration date”, so to speak. They come to your life at a certain time because they are supposed to, the same way you arrive to theirs. They have a purpose in your life and so do you. And then it’s over, and you both have to let go. And you both have to understand that.
This process sounds depressing but it’s not, because it makes way (energetically speaking) for new people and new experiences, which takes me to the next big point.
My career took a turn and I had to explore other realms within my chosen area. It was scary yet exciting, and everything I’ve learned in five years of entertainment journalism definitely came in handy. I still have a long way to go in this new area, but I have already walked a big chunk of distance in a short amount of time. I’m excited to see where I go from here, and I have so many plans that I can’t wait to see/live/experience.
In 2017 I gave YouTube a second chance, only this time by myself. And I really mean by myself. I did everything. Every single detail and aspect of my channel and videos. It was all me. And it was good, for a while. I realized I am not made for YouTube, and I truly admire those who are. It’s a tough world, and in all honesty, I can’t handle it. It became extremely overwhelming, not only because I did everything and I had less and less time to dedicate to it between my personal and professional life, but because the people on YouTube made it overwhelming.
I’m not a celebrity or an influencer, nor I want to be. I have that clear – they didn’t. I’m not a content-creating machine – they thought I was. It’s a level of pressure I had never experienced before that even made me turn my Instagram account private (because they were also sending me unwanted messages there). I’m not cut for YouTube, and getting notifications from the site was giving me anxiety. That’s not ok. So I deleted it. The calm and peace I feel now is indescribable.
I don’t expect people to understand why I did that, I only ask for them to respect that (and my privacy, mainly). It never crossed my mind that people would jump boundaries in such a short time (and with such small numbers. Man, I wasn’t even at four digit numbers on the subscribers count), so let’s say I’m going through PYTSD (Post-YouTube Traumatic Stress Disorder).
This year was mostly an inner journey that reflected on my outside. In my relationships, in my career, in my family. I understood things I have been struggling with for years. Some others got clearer and I was finally able to put them into practice. I learned other things that are helping me keep my balance, helping me understand other people, helping me handle situations, and mostly helping me heal. That’s way too personal and all you have to know is that I have a lot of healing to do.
But I know I can. Because I am magic. And I have way more power than I can imagine.
May you find what you need in 2019, and I’m not referring to material things. Whether it be light, love, peace, balance, healing, guidance, comfort – I hope you find it, and spread it. And remember: where attention goes, energy flows.
“But you can’t take the sky from me”